How to Stop Feeling Guilty When Trying to Relax.
You finish a busy work day. You sit down on the couch, turn on the TV and settle into watching the new show that everyone’s talking about. 5 minutes into it, you start to get that familiar heavy feeling of guilt.
You start telling yourself: I should be doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink, go do the groceries, catch up with friends. Anything except this. Why am I so lazy?
Why do I Feel Guilty When Trying to Relax?
Here in North America, we live in a Western culture that’s obsessed with productivity and hustle. We even have a term for it called "grind culture”, which is the Western belief that your success is directly related to the amount of effort/work you put into something.
I’m happy to tell you that this isn’t necessarily true. It’s important to be mindful of the messages we hear on a daily basis as well as who’s relaying them. Late stage capitalism has created a society that’s burned out, checked out, and over it. No wonder it’s hard to relax without guilt when all of the messages we hear are fear based and telling us we’re never enough.
Your childhood can also play a role in contributing to feelings of guilt. Maybe you grew up in a strict, perfectionistic household that constantly criticized rest. Or maybe you had to bear a lot of responsibility on your shoulders from a young age and rest felt unsafe.
Having an anxious & over-active mind can also make us feel like we always have to be productive. When we keep ourselves busy and productive, we don’t have time to feel our feelings and this can be a form of self-protection. The second we sit down on the couch to watch a show or settle into bed, the anxiety can spike and the thoughts start racing in. The avoidance of down time is actually a big component of workaholism, which can in turn lead to burnout.
What ever the case may be, it’s possible to start incorporating down time and rest into your day and combat the guilt.
Why Rest & Relaxation is Actually Productive.
Without any rest, you will burnout. Period. As someone who has overcome my own burnout and helped countless people in recovering from their own, recovery is a journey that takes time. You have to fill up your gas tank when it’s half-full, not completely empty. In order to prevent burnout and avoid losing productivity completely, rest is non-negotiable and will actually give you the energy you need to function and maintain a realistic output. We perform our best when we pour time, energy, love, and attention into ourselves first. You deserve rest regardless of how much you’ve achieved yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Schedule Rest Into Your Calendar.
The human brain is made to rewire itself throughout the course of our lifetime. New neural pathways are made when we practice new thoughts and behaviors. This is called neuroplasticity. But this rewiring can only happen with repetition and committed action. One helpful way of building a new habit and practicing a new skill is to schedule it into your calendar.
Maybe you’ve been putting off your lunch breaks in order to work on projects. Or you come home from your daily commute and immediately start doing chores. I want you to consider dedicating at least 1 hour of your day to rest.
Block this time off in your calendar, find some personal space, and put your electronics on Do Not Disturb. Maybe it’s early in the morning before everyone wakes up or late at night before bed. Find a time that’s realistic for you. At first the feelings of guilt may be overwhelming, but with consistency, the guilt will lessen over time because your brain will see it as a part of your daily routine.
Define What Rest Looks Like to You.
Everyone’s definition of rest will look different. For me, it’s doing a tapping meditation, going for a walk outside, or reading a book.
Put together a list of at least 10 activities that you can do during your scheduled rest time. Each time you have your rest period, you can look back at your list and pick something to do. If the guilt is really strong, consider doing a guided meditation or visualization practice. This will help you move through the emotions and practice regulating them.
Here is an example of some activities you can add to your list:
Doing a puzzle or paint by numbers
Guided meditation or visualization
Tapping meditation
Breathwork (such as box breathing or alternative nostril breathing)
Stretches or gentle body movement
Starting a new show series
Listen to calming music
Have a bath (make it special - light some candles, make a cup of caffeine-free tea, turn the lights down low, and put on some music)
Step outside and do a grounding exercise
Journal
Practice Self-Compassion.
Maybe you notice that your inner critic and negative self talk is loudest when you try to rest & relax. When this voice is in your head, maybe your first instinct is to tell it to “shut up” or “F- off”.
When we try to push something away, it typically comes back stronger. Self-compassion is a research-backed and effective tool to soothe feelings of criticism, shame, and guilt. When you notice the feeling of guilt creeping up, do a self-compassion exercise.
Here is a self-compassion, inner-child exercise to try:
Imagine yourself as a child.
What age are you? What are you wearing? what does your hair look like? how tall are you?
Now imagine a calm and serene place that has a bench.
Take your inner-child’s hand, walk over to the bench and sit down.
As you both overlook the peaceful scenery and hear the calming sounds, feel gratitude and peace wash over you.
Take a moment to turn towards your inner child and tell them what they need to hear. Maybe it’s: “you’re enough”, “you deserve to be happy”, or “it’s okay to let go of others expectations”.
Feel a sense of release and lightness as you come back to the present moment.
Learn more about Perfectionism Treatment and Burnout Treatment.
Me Again Collective is an Ontario based virtual therapy practice for adults. We treat anxiety, burnout, self-esteem, perfectionism and more and offer psychotherapy that is collaborative, empathetic and effective. If you are ready to feel freedom, relief, and fulfilment book a free consultation with Me Again Collective HERE
Research:Lefebvre, J.-I., Montani, F., & Courcy, F. (2020). Self-Compassion and Resilience at Work: A Practice-Oriented Review. Advances in Developing Human Resources, 22(4), 437-452. https://doi.org/10.1177/1523422320949145Valdez, C.E., Lilly, M.M. Modes of Processing Trauma: Self-Compassion Buffers Affective Guilt. Mindfulness 10, 824–832 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-018-1035-8
About the Author
Jackie Ponomariov, MSW, RSW, is the founder of Me Again Collective. She loves working with driven and ambitious professionals and specializes in CBT, DBT, and somatic therapies.
